Frankie Said To Relax, But I Don't Think This is Right.

Wow!  I knew it had been a long time since I posted, but I didn't think it had been three weeks.  I wish it was because I got a new job, or I was writing a brilliant novel, or I've globe trotting, or having martini's by the pool with a very fit 1950's Richard Widmark.  Sigh.  But no, life here has be B-O-R-I-N-G boring.  I haven't been bothered by the mundacity, no wait I mean mundanity.  Maybe a girl should pick up a dictionary every once in a while.  Anyhoo I was saying that I haven't been bothered by the boring nature of my existence.  In fact I hadn't noticed until I was chatting with mi vampiro. 

him  -   Just got back from a three day trip to Chiqibul cave.  Have a trip with the New Mexico students tomorrow, wish I could go with them to Tobacco Caye, but I have to standby for work.  Heading down to PG for the cacao festival.  What's been going on with you this week?

me -  I washed my hair.

*crickets*

me- ok, love you bye-bye.


Is it too much yoga?  Is it possible to be so relaxed, you can watch your life disappear into your navel?

I better enjoy it this week, because the week after I head back to Belize.  It will be nice to have a job that doesn't involve scrubbing toilets.  I hope mi vampiro is drinking up his baba root and his tiger bone.  I have a feeling all this resting is going to give me quite an energy boost.

Is This a Fashion Faux Pas?

In case you forgot how orientated American society is towards telling women they are too big, my size 8 ass is wearing my 72 pound, prepubescent son's trousers.  I knew my clothes had been designed for a 1970's white girl. 

'Always Forgive Your Enemies -Nothing Annoys Them So Much.'*

I'm not sure what the appropriate response is when the man that raped you phones.  I'm pretty sure having a wee chat is not it, but that is exactly what I did.  I didn't recognize his voice at first.  When he told me who it was, I wasn't afraid.  That is not what I expected.  I would have thought, I would start to shake, maybe some frantic pacing, but no i made some tea, and we talked about his sister's wedding, his brother, his work, my work this summer, my trip to Guatemala.  I know that I can't face him face to face. I don't want to, but more than that I know I would flee.  That is not a step I am ready for.  I don't know if I ever will be ready for that, but there is a real possibility I will see him.  It is a small town, eventually, it seems, you run into everyone in town, everyone in the district. 

After I hung up the phone, I thought I had reached some level of acceptance and forgiveness.  But now I wonder if perhaps I have deluded myself, that it is not forgiveness but rather denial.  I accept what happened, I have been angry, and scared, I've wanted revenge and beyond. Over the last nine months I have gotten to a place where I don't lock the doors all the time, jump each time I hear a noise, hide in the hallway when there is a knock at the door. 

For me forgiveness is achieved when there is no more desire for punishment, when the anger has subsided.  Forgiveness is needed to keep harmful thoughts and feelings from wrecking my well being. But I also believe the one who has committed the wrong should admit the transgression, attempt to rectify it and seek forgiveness.  Even though I haven't seen any evidence he has followed that path,


I forgive you M.



*Oscar Wilde

Voltifying!

I have a technology problem.  I'm not a person who has to have the latest gadget, or the fastest computer.  Shucks,  I have duct tape on my computer.  I can live with or without technology, but when it is availible I would like it to work properly.  Now I understand, these devices can be delicate and require a sensitive touch.  I admit in the past I have thrown my share of cell phones, radios, tv's.  I don't always use a light touch on those frangible buttons, but I am not talking about so called 'normal' wear and tear.  There is no electronic device in this house that works like it should.  The 7  key does not work on my laptop.  I can pop off the keys and clean it.  It will work, for a few days and then if I'm lucky it will cease to function.  More often a different letter stops working and I have to adjust to that, so I just leave well enough alone. 

The volume down button is broken on the tv, we have to use two of the same remotes to operate the cable, because they both have several buttons that don't work.  I had a cell phone for a year that was missing the entire keypad.  I carried around toothpicks so I could dial it.  The entire electrical system in my car is shot, the light socket along two sides of our lounge are dead, the Playstation only works at an angle, and the battery on my laptop lasts 18 minutes.   That list covers the things I can see from my car.  You get the idea.   Normally  it doesn't bother me.  I am used to these little eccentricities.  That is until we got Netflix streaming for the Wii.    It worked great for two days, now I can't get the damn thing to connect.  Or if it does connect, it won't play the film. I tried changing the channel on the router, I tried them all.  Didn't help.  I moved the router and the Wii.  I jumped on one foot and I pleaded with it.  It was still refusing me.   

It's not just my house either.  While I was staying with mi vampiro, the only two electrical devices in his house, the fan and the radio, both had issues.  I am happy to report, they are both fine now that I am in the States.  I simply must accept that I have bad electro gris-gris.  I wonder if I am part wizard?