Please Baby, Baby Please

Who dat? Who dat? Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints? Who dat? Who dat?

How Do Ya Know It's Not Shite?

That's my question for you readers.  I have been writing for as long as I can remember, but I have very reluctant to let anyone read my work.  In fact nearly all of it has been erased, thrown away or burned, for the very simple reason I think it's shite.  I may get through two drafts, but usually not even that far, before I give up and expunge what I have written.  I get bogged down at the very basic level.  The idea.  I know there are no original stories and I am okay with that.  I don't even believe that one has to put on a 'new twist'.  I just think that my ideas are trite.  But what if i write something that isn't.  Will I recognize it?  I'm afraid not. 

The time has come to do something about it (you thought I was gonna say 'shit or get off the pot' didn't you).  Either I have to figure out where the problems are and fix them or I have to give up.  So I'm going to submit a piece of flash fiction to an online publication, but I was hoping some of you readers might give me some feedback on it first.  It's not quite finished yet, but it will be by the middle of next week. If you would be willing, leave me a comment and I will email you the piece.  If you think it's shite you can email back and say 'yep, it's shite'  and if you want to comment on it anonymously that is okay too. Just please do it over email.  

An Open Letter to Stephen King

Dear Mr. King,

My boys and I  watched Christine over the past weekend.  So now they want a 1958 Plymouth Fury. You can blame them?  It's a beautiful vehicle.   I told them if they read the book then I would see about getting one for them.  I was not the least bit worried as they are not readers.    Whilst they enjoy being read to, they are never inclined to read of their own volition.  After an hour of begging, I dug up my copy for them, fully expecting to find it abandoned under the bed in a week's time.  Alas, I vastly underestimated them.  In the last six day they have mowed their way through almost four hundred pages. Unless I steal the book I am sure it will be finished.

It would seem they have joined so many others I know who have never been interested in reading for fun until picking up one of your books.  For that I owe you a deep and heartfelt thanks.  On the other hand now they are going to begin harassing me about a vehicle they won't be able to drive for another four years.  Way to go Steve.  (ok, that's my fault, but you don't know me so i can share the blame with you.  that's just the way it works).

This episode with them has reminded me how much I enjoyed your early work.  Unfortunately I read It.  That did it for me.  1200 pages for that ending.  I vowed then and there to never read anything else you wrote.  I was young, hormonal,  and impulsive.  Truth be told I have always wanted to read Needful Things.  I am considering giving your work a second chance.  If I read Needful Things and you give me another crappy ending, I am going to fly out to Colorado, or where ever you are, stalk you, and then one day I am going to follow you down the street.  And then you no one expects it I shall walk past and snub you.

Love,
Iasa

2010 GRC* Review Book 4

In those rare instances I post a few words about films or books, I do so only when I enjoy them however this read was for a book challenge so here are a very few words.  I did not care for this book at all.

Desolation Highway by James R. Coggins

An impromptu bathroom stop leads to the discovery of a severed finger along side of the motor-way outside of Prince Rupert, British Columbia.  It is not long before the discovery of additional body parts leads the members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to wonder if a serial killer is operating in their town. 

The story is fast paced however the characters are one dimensional maybe one and a half dimensional as they are described only in term of their oddities.  The lead investigator’s main method of questioning the residents is to ask at every opportunity if they killed the victims or if in their dealings with others if they killed or cut them up.  The biggest problem with the book, is the abrupt, out of no where, inspirational ending.  In the end the police do not solve the crime and in fact their work has very little bearing on the conclusion of the case.


*Global Reading Challenge

Global Update Book Review

 Never End by Åke Edwardson.

In the the Swedish town of Gothenburg a young woman is raped.  A reluctant and evasive witness she provides the police with few clues.  When a second crime occurs, this time murder, in the exact location as the previous rape, and a murder five years previously, the police suspect a serial criminal.  As the case progresses, it becomes more jumbled, mirroring the detectives troubled personal lives. 

This is the second Inspector Winter novel I have read. I started it, with a slight trepidation as I was disappointed in the first outing with Mr. Edwardson.  The writing, or perhaps the translation, is terse and flat.  The prose disjointed as if the author is writing scenes for a film or describing snapshots to the readers.  At times the plot is banausic focusing too much on family interaction.  I enjoy the emphasis on characters as opposed to an action driven story however, the crime detecting should be foremost in a police procedural.  I like fully developed characters but not at the expense of job performance.   The author has great affection for his characters.  Unfortunately this means the solution to the crime comes to us from unlikely sources such as  an eyewitness to the five year old murder  who has no trouble identifying a man he saw for a split second, in the middle of the night walking down the street.  As much as I’ve grumbled about this book, I know I will pick up the next one.  It just calls to me.  I suppose that is what a good author does.

You Know How Hot I Am?

I'm so hot every time I walk past the thermostat, the heater turns off.

I'm Just Bored and I Wanted To Type

 It would appear job has found an excellent hidey-hole as it is even more elusive this week.  And one can only scrub the baseboards and organize the stacks of books in one's room so often.   Therefore, I have been left with an abundance of leisure time as of late.  On the one hand it sucks, on the other it is massively stupendous.   I mean I really haven't the time to work.  I have three short stories and one novella to finish.  I need time to work on my German, maybe have a li nap.  There are the children and my parents and my granmother  and my ex to care for.  Is there anything worse than having a grown man tell you he's not ill, only then  to tell you every five minutes 'i don't feel good.  could you run this errand for me and get me a drink.  oh have you just sat down, can i have some food?  What there is an issue with the children?  I doooon't feeeeeel gooood!  can you leave i have to play Call of Duty with my peeps and chat on the phone now.' 

Anyways back to all this leisure of mine.  It's been colder than a pimp's heart here, so we bunkered down with a hoard of books and videos.  I read four books that would have qualified for Dorte H's Global Reading Challenge but, I didn't remember to review any of them, so I'm gonna count them as a warm up. We are down to the last video, K-19: the Widowmaker.  Not sure if we are gonna make it through this one.  The accents have a major case of wanderlust.  I find it hard to believe they spent 100 million on this film and they didn't have enough film to reshoot some scenes or at least dub them in after with a consistent accent.

My Mistress Is Language and She Is a Bitch

 Those of you who have been around here awhile will know I have some serious language issues.  Let's be honest, even those of you who have skimmed any text on this site will have picked up on that.  I have always been drawn to languages.  I attempted to teach myself to read French when I was 8 so I could read Arthur Rimbaud (don't judge me), quickly followed by an attempt to learn Russian (it was esoteric) then Icelandic (i dunno why.  they have geysers?  Cool!).  The fun didn't stop there. Along the way there was Spanish, Vietnamese, Japanese, Cantonese.  Currently working on German.  Some of them have stayed with me more than others.  I am amazed by people that speak more than one language, not because they are muti-lingual but because they only speak one at a time.  That is awesome.  I have no idea how they do that.

It would seem my boys have the same affinity for languages.  They also have my flaw.  I overheard them this morning in the kitchen.

 What Was Said                                  What a Normal English Speaking Family Might Say
                                                
Ich möchte etwas trinken.                       I would like something to drink.                                                

wah you wan?                                         What would you like?                          

no se´.  How bout Dr. Pepper?                 I don't know.   A Dr. Pepper please.
                          
nein, bwoy, you betta tink again.             No, that is not suitable.  Choose something else.        

                 
bueno, *sigh*  apple juice.                      I will have apple juice.                   




Really?  German, Spanish, Kryol and English.  I'm not sure whether I should be happy or chagrinned.

          

I Thought There Was a Rabbit Down This Hole

Today is the 178th year since the birth of Lewis Carroll.  So you know what that means, it down the rabbit hole.  Fairyhedgehog is kindly hosting this years  'write down the rabbit hole' tribute.  I really wanted to contribute something magical and funny, instead you get what can iasa write in 5 minutes.  Sorry,  i will do better next year. 




‘Time to wake up’

‘Lewis, go away.  it is not time to get up’

‘Yes it is, it’s my birthday!  now arise you jibbledabber.   I require tea.’

‘Go into the kitchen and make it yourself.’

‘Well i never.....’

‘Of course you never. YOU ARE DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!’

‘The tea is made.’

‘Thank you Oscar, at least someone has the neurtotodd, to celebrate my birthday’

‘Great. any chance of me getting back to sleep?’

‘I should think not, there is the picnic to pack, and the cake to bake.  Oscar you get the hamper and you Iasa, bake the cake’

What about me?  Am I to be dragged to this farce as well?’

‘oh yes Dylan, you gather all the goowap for the sandwiches? Now come along.’

‘Shikes.  These outings never turn out well.  Ok I’ll throw some of the nearly rotten bananas and the dried up cucumber in the basket.  It doesn’t matter. Everything always turns into rabbit stew anyway.’

‘I’ll get the whiskey.’

‘No Dylan, not today.  in any event, the bottles are quite empty. ‘

‘Leave him alone Oscar.  Why do i have these three dead lunatics living in my house?’

‘When you were a child, you adored us.  that is why we are here.’

‘I loved mashed potatoes and Dr. Pepper for breakfast as a child.  I don’t live in a potato and have soda spewing out of my nose!’

‘That would just be absurd, would it not Lewis, Dylan?’

‘Yes, Yes quite absurd.’

‘yes complete hiji’

‘well if we are going, lets go.  we have to be back before dark.  You boys have to clean up under the bed.  The boogey man is coming home from vacation.  You will have to move back out into the shed.’

Simple Bliss

Christina at Soul Aperture  is once again gracious Simplenough to host the Simple Things.  Head over there to check out her list and find all us participants in the comments. 

 

eating a plate of cranberry orange cookies for breakfast

napping in a hammock on the beach

 love letters headed to my beloved

 Saturday morning capoiera

a stable wifi connection

the Saints win!!!!

a cool breeze

a hot bath

quiet

life

BOOOYAH!!!

 WHODAT!!

 Blessed are the Saints.  I've waited a long, long time fi dis!!!

Does This Mean I'm Old?

Bursitis?   I have freakin' bursitis? Does this mean I'll know when a storm is a brewin?  My grandfather used to always say he could tell when it was going to rain because his bursitis was acting up.  Course he also said sitting on cold surfaces would give you haemorrhoids, so perhaps he was not the best person to get medical advice from.  It seems I have been leaning on my elbows too often.  Being leant on is their second biggest function and they have failed me.  Consequently I have been trying to give my arm a rest so as not to aggravate the condition further.  Oddly enough that means I have to find a new position in which to read.  Since my favorite sit around lazy activity required an overhaul, I decided I would write a love letter to mi vampiro.

Sexting, I can do that.  Need a randy limmerick, I'm your girl.  Plenty of adolescent love notes and miss you emails under my belt, but full on adult love letter, never done that.  And I still haven't.  There is a lovely pile of crumpled rejects under my desk.  They just sound so inane when I reread them.  Balance is the main obstacle.  I don't wish to overwhelm him with sentiment.  I'm still a little cautious since the incident he told me I don't have to mention anymore (i kissed him one night and he disappeared for a year. [you didn't hear that from me] ).  But I see no need to write it if I am going to be candy-assed about it. 

Any tips?

Time Dilation

Jinkies!  It's been a long time since i posted.  I was thinking maybe it had been a week or so, not two.  Oh well.  I wish I some reason for staying away, but no.  Really I've just been sleeping.  Like I had mono or a hibernation fantasy, sometimes 19-20 hours a day.  One night I couldn't even be bothered to make dinner for da pikni dem the boys.  I reheated some taco meat from the previous night, put a few tortillas in the microwave, then proceeded to throw the tortillas on the kitchen table and told the boys just to think of them as little edible plates.  The table was probably clean, at least clean enough not to kill 'em.    Although Buju does have a rash all over his face.  I'm 99% certain it's poison ivy.   Yeah nothing to do with the state of the table.  If they could only eat off of highly sanitized surfaces, they would have done been dead.

Well I'm up and about so you can look forward to that F- level of blogging you've grown to expect from me.

Yip, Yipeee, Oh....

At last my beloved princes are returned to school today. Unfortunaltly that means I have to be up at the crack of seven.  What?  I ain't got no job, I don't have to wrassle myself outta bed any earlier.  I was looking forward to lounging about, baking a bit and reading a book or two.  But no, freaking responsibilities were banging on the door demanding to be attended to.  Bleh.  One bright side to being adult today was meeting a friend of mine for coffee.  Which is of course absurd.  I hate coffee.  Are you listening my friends?  I don't like coffee, I don't want to 'just have a sip' of yours.  That will not make me like it.  I don't like coffee flavored ice cream, coffee cake, or chocolate covered coffee beans.  I don't like the smell, and i do not in any circumstances refer to any colour as a coffee term.  Got it? 

Anyway, I was trying to meet my friend at the airport as he was flying through from Amsterdam to Cancun.  The poor thing was delayed in Germany yesterday and missed his connection.  We knew it was kinda iffy, he only had a few hour layover but I thought I'd chance it.   I didn't see him but I did get an opportunity to hang out in the International Arrivals terminal and play my very own live action GeoChallenge.  I know it's terribly rude, but I love eavsedropping on people speaking in languages other than English.  I figure it's not that rude as far as it goes since I don't understand them.  You guys will back me up on that right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had the following conversation with my Mom as were were looking at pictures on my computer

me -  blah, blah, blah,  this is Saeed, that's Andy  (pointing out people)

mom- they are belizean?

me- no, Saeed is from Argentina, Andy is German

mom- he doesn't look German

me- he does when he cums

Should I not have said that?

I have Food Issues

Tomorrow the last year of the decade starts.  As for me, I need the arbitrary beginning as a reminder to take stock of my life.  Of course there are things I want to accomplish this forthcoming year, but only two 'big' ones.  The first one I mentioned yesterday,  the second one is to waste no food.  I know it seems like a big undertaking, but i think we can do it.  Even now we don't throw away alot of food but i still think it's too much.  Having a dog helps. 

The food we do have to throw out, we compost.  I would rather we eat that though.  We might even save a buck or two.

I will be sure to bore you with updates on how we are doing, if we are saving any money, and those recipes for orange cucumber surprise with leftover mashed potato topping.  (ugh that sounds horrid, hopefully it won't come to that)

Hope eveyone has a happiness and comfort in the new year!


P.S.  In case you are interested, and I know that you are not, you can check out my goals for 2010 in the sidebar.