04 May 2010

'Always Forgive Your Enemies -Nothing Annoys Them So Much.'*

I'm not sure what the appropriate response is when the man that raped you phones.  I'm pretty sure having a wee chat is not it, but that is exactly what I did.  I didn't recognize his voice at first.  When he told me who it was, I wasn't afraid.  That is not what I expected.  I would have thought, I would start to shake, maybe some frantic pacing, but no i made some tea, and we talked about his sister's wedding, his brother, his work, my work this summer, my trip to Guatemala.  I know that I can't face him face to face. I don't want to, but more than that I know I would flee.  That is not a step I am ready for.  I don't know if I ever will be ready for that, but there is a real possibility I will see him.  It is a small town, eventually, it seems, you run into everyone in town, everyone in the district. 

After I hung up the phone, I thought I had reached some level of acceptance and forgiveness.  But now I wonder if perhaps I have deluded myself, that it is not forgiveness but rather denial.  I accept what happened, I have been angry, and scared, I've wanted revenge and beyond. Over the last nine months I have gotten to a place where I don't lock the doors all the time, jump each time I hear a noise, hide in the hallway when there is a knock at the door. 

For me forgiveness is achieved when there is no more desire for punishment, when the anger has subsided.  Forgiveness is needed to keep harmful thoughts and feelings from wrecking my well being. But I also believe the one who has committed the wrong should admit the transgression, attempt to rectify it and seek forgiveness.  Even though I haven't seen any evidence he has followed that path,

I forgive you M.

*Oscar Wilde


Ann said...

Brave woman!

Old Kitty said...

Oh iasa!!

Oh my goodness. :-( I am so sorry to hear this, I'm really sorry.

Are you ok? I know this isn't the place to ask such a thing - please do email me if and whenever you want to.

I am so so sorry. Big hugs. Stay strong.

Take care

writtenwyrdd said...

I'd have called the cops and asked if there was some way to file harrassment charges or get a restraining order. Guy has no business bothering you.

I don't know how I'd handle that conversation, myself. I know I'd want to both hurt him badly and tell him off; but also would likely want to run away screaming.

Sorry you had to deal with this.

Madame DeFarge said...

You handled this with far more dignity than I think I could ever muster. Take care.

f8hasit said...

You amaze me with your strength and dignity and compassion. I'm pretty sure I would have jumped through the phone line with knife in hand headed directly for his....
...well, you know.
That's me of course. You are a better person than I.

Unknown Mami said...

This is intense. It makes my body ache. I wish you continued growth and strength. I don't know how to deal with forgiving such a transgression.

I have been trying to forgive a family member that harmed me as a child, but I am still so angry and he has never once apologized. He seems to have belittled the transgression to make it alright in his mind.

Maybe that's what people do so they can live with themselves, they convince themselves that what they did wasn't so bad.

I used to talk to him and pretend like nothing had happened or that it was okay, until I had my daughter and then something snapped. I never wanted to be in the same room as him ever again. I didn't want him to touch my life and I started telling people to keep him away from me.

I'm sorry I've left such a long comment about myself. Your post that says so much about your resilience really brought up a lot of feelings.