'Always Forgive Your Enemies -Nothing Annoys Them So Much.'*

I'm not sure what the appropriate response is when the man that raped you phones.  I'm pretty sure having a wee chat is not it, but that is exactly what I did.  I didn't recognize his voice at first.  When he told me who it was, I wasn't afraid.  That is not what I expected.  I would have thought, I would start to shake, maybe some frantic pacing, but no i made some tea, and we talked about his sister's wedding, his brother, his work, my work this summer, my trip to Guatemala.  I know that I can't face him face to face. I don't want to, but more than that I know I would flee.  That is not a step I am ready for.  I don't know if I ever will be ready for that, but there is a real possibility I will see him.  It is a small town, eventually, it seems, you run into everyone in town, everyone in the district. 

After I hung up the phone, I thought I had reached some level of acceptance and forgiveness.  But now I wonder if perhaps I have deluded myself, that it is not forgiveness but rather denial.  I accept what happened, I have been angry, and scared, I've wanted revenge and beyond. Over the last nine months I have gotten to a place where I don't lock the doors all the time, jump each time I hear a noise, hide in the hallway when there is a knock at the door. 

For me forgiveness is achieved when there is no more desire for punishment, when the anger has subsided.  Forgiveness is needed to keep harmful thoughts and feelings from wrecking my well being. But I also believe the one who has committed the wrong should admit the transgression, attempt to rectify it and seek forgiveness.  Even though I haven't seen any evidence he has followed that path,


I forgive you M.



*Oscar Wilde